my brother just killed himself my brother just killed himself

I sleep with his sweater every night and I talk to him even though he is not here. We live with the what ifs and whys everyday. Unfortunately, every year everyone is so happy and celebrating the New Year, while I am re-living his death. I didnt know it would be the last time I talked to him. I never sought helpIve kept myself beyond busy as a distraction. When I think about how he must have been feeling, the enormity of it becomes overwhelming and I cant handle it. I endured two years of intense therapy to let the pain go. So sorry for your loss. Shed built an enormous empire all on her own. He felt he had no choice. I learned last week that my friend died of suicide, although the cause of death was not made clear. I know that he would want me to carry on with my own life. I dont know how to overcome this. In this article, this quote definitely stood out to me: Once they had acknowledged the inevitability of suicide they were able to weave this possibility, unwelcome as it was, into their life story to develop a coherent explanation.. I have worried about her my whole life, supported her, stuck up for her when family called her a druggie, called GPs, tried to engage her in Mental Health, Adult Social Care, Drug and Alcohol services. Its a shit feeling knowing that youll never see or hear someone again. Not sure if my gestures to reach out will be welcome and with the grief Im already feeling for the loss of my brother Im not even sure Im even able to be supportive. My Baby Brother hanged himself in my moms garage 2 weeks ago after developing schizophrenia, he was 41 years old. Omg. Sylvia Corbit May 17, 2016 at 3:35 pm Reply. They have a vacation house next to ours. Im still learning a lot from this. I lost my husband to suicide on 12th June 2020. I will never, ever forget that day, and how I never saw my son other than when we first got there, but also that I never had any indication or nudging that I should be worried about him or go looking for him. Please be gentle with yourself. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting "START" to 741741. I don't know what to do. You need to find people who Would say together we wil,we must get through one get our life on truck. All the best to you. The rings I had given her were returned to me in a BIOHAZARD bag, very much deformed. I didnt learn the real cause of death until I was 50, through a family friend, quite by accident. I had quite a different experience with the same well known geoup you mention. John Dearing January 11, 2019 at 4:07 am Reply. A hallmark of depression is blaming yourself for things that arent your fault. He boarded up the house from the inside and went under my brothers bed with a gun. She had killed herself. I lost my lovely brother on May the 7th 2017 to hanging. I slapped her and she slapped me back.She walked off and changed her cloths, it was pouring rain and she had been outside and got wet. Im really sorry Alfy. It may be helpful to talk through this with a therapist or counselor trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ I hope this helps a bit. He was a good man. She begged him to help her and he did not. He was never a depressed person. I am moving forward in my life, because I have no choice. I just couldnt believe it. He pulled the car antenna from my right eye socket after I fell chasing a kid with it ( by some crazy luck It missed my eye entirely by some small fraction of an inch. ) I feel so guilty and ashamed and sad. If that seems scary, reach out yourself. I was home and heard the noise from the gun. He drank excessively and frequented hookers. I did not know he had been struggling with depression for years. There are days like today that I feel Ive lost my weapons. my brother just killed himself today. I wish you love and peace, and hope that one day you can experience joy once again. Ill be there. So. I have fought for her to help her for years but as you know.. mentally ill people are very difficult to deal with on any level. It is surreal every time I see my neighbors car still in the driveway still sealed with stickers from the local sheriff labeled coroners investigation. Friends try to fill the Gap but they have no comprehension. I put my all into him, I made him promise me that no matter what happens, he wont give up on himself. And that his kindness was laced with volatility, and that more often. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time and what he did in a f****d up state doesnt mean you werent a good sister. You may want to scream and shout. I let his doctors know when he was having thoughts of self-harm, and when he made attempts, at least 5 times since the fire. The list goes on and on. Hey, dont be sorry, its not a rant, its how you feel. It is not uncommon for themes of personal blame to arise, as the person questions their role in their loved ones suicide and what they could have done to prevent their death. I wish I could of helped or got to her in time but Im still also angry. But its hard to not think what if there was something else I could have done to help her. But even his girlfriend that he lived with had no idea. There are no words. After a time he basically raised us. Tears are the way we express emotions that words cant, im So broken even my tears dont know what to do. What is it ?! I was not aware of those things until after his death. So, regardless of the circumstances around the death, it is not a given that it will be experienced as traumatic. This wasnt to be. They expect me to just move on and tells me its not my fault and to stop procrastinating. I dont think it will ever get easier in a few days is my 26th birthday Im still a baby I dont have a father or mother in my life anymore. But I continue to live each day for him. He texted me that he was sorry right before he did it and we talked on the phone earlier that morning. AshlynnStamps April 18, 2019 at 11:27 pm Reply. Every single day. She asked me again really? He wrote some final paragraphs while listening to music, some very depressing, melancholic music. One night I went over and we had a LOT to drink. I am very sorry for your loss. but recently he really did. What triggered him to do such a thing? Every time I make up my mind that this is what I must do, my misery always gets the best of me. Required fields are marked *. While not technically a suicide, I feel in some respects, my sont death was very similar. have tried to reach out to my BFFs husband and daughters to give my condolences but cant seem to find them home and dont have their phone numbers. We were together for 10 years and divorced 2.5 yrs prior to his death. Jen I am so sorry. But I still feel like nobody understands the pain. this is my double edged sword, my catch 22: end myself to end my suffering/end myself to rid the guilt for deceiving this amazing person/rid myself because there lies no hope of my head getting better. I lost my partner on 6th December 2021, he threw himself off a bridge after suffering with depression. Many people cannot comprehend or understand this type of loss and the implications it has on us, the bereaved, the Suicide Survivors. We had text daily for a long time, I always knew he was unhappy, but not that kind of unhappy. Call someone when you need to talk. I begged his family to help, but they didnt want to acknowledge his mental illness and addiction because that would damage their reputation. I run out of words trying to describe how I feel. I hoped that one day hed find happiness and security in himself, so one day he couldve learned and been secure in the right girl, the right way. For the constant worry for my parents (who divorced around 3 years ago and still havent recovered) For having to scrub her blood off the back of the bathroom door for the look on my dads face as he stares blankly down at his hands, for the nights Ive held my mother has she cries. I wish and pray there was something I could have done, but ultimately I feel he is finally at peace and is in heaven holding our beautiful baby that we lost together. Although I will never get over my brothers death, I am now able to remember him as he was, talents and flaws, and all. IsabelleS October 19, 2020 at 11:20 am Reply, John, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. We were honest with each other about how we felt in life. Your pain is real and I am sorry you feel it. Four days after learning that about my dress, or two days before my neighbor died, I took the dress off the hanger and folded it, intending to give it back to my Mom. You will find a way through this, but give yourself the space to feel whatever it is you need to feel. In this fantasy, we have been together since we met, I recognize his Bipolar (likely, as I do know a lot-I just didnt have time with him see it), and I help him get help much earlier. I just lost my brother he was murdered August,17th 2021. . Thanks for continuing the conversation! It has been about 1.5 years since my brothers suicidehis last and final mistake, one of many. I hope one day to live through this, carry on, and possibly get myself together enough to help others. A few months later she met a lovely guy and he was a tonic it seemed. Right before his suicide, I started my first job out of college and moved to a new state. My thoughts are with you. Like many he enjoyed playing computer games and found companionship with online-friends around the world. He just got done taking a course so he could enter into a Masters position. Hugs to you this Holiday Season. At first when I saw the sealed car I worried that my new neighborhood isnt safe. Life will never be the same. Just me and the bearded dragon left behind in the kids room next door and the stray cat on the lawn that my neighbor used to feed. i am devastated. And nobody was available apparently. My parents couldnt make it because of an unreliable vehicle and money issues. Im thankful we have a strong, close family (a family he built with my mother), but the alternating pain, anger, sadness, numbness, disbelief is terrible. My heart goes out to you. Know that you will never be the same againand that you can survive and even go beyond surviving. I ended my engagement; how could I marry if my best friend wasnt with me? The first few days after her death I was a wreck I hate crying and I probably cried for 48 hours straight it was mentally and physically exhausting. And when I tried to ask people about her, they all had the same reaction. I dont know what to do. Delivering the news to my daughter that her father had died was the worst and most painful thing I will ever have to do for my entire life. My second piece of advice, when you are ready, is to find a Suicide Survivor group in your area. All business and paperwork was organized and his note told his wife where to find everything. I promise it gets better. Dear Sarah, your friends death is not your fault. I guess to tell him that I loved him with all my heart, even if he never really felt it. Easy way out? I cant seem to allow the good memories to outshine the bad ones. Call 911 I screamed with all I had. I reassure her that this isnt her fault and that he was probably fighting many personal battles and emotions that she couldnt have known about in the short time they had reconnected. But love them anyway and tell them. I dont want it getting out yet because that makes it real. You didnt make him think it was cool. I dont know how to live without him. You can just talk about him if you'd like. I too have a ton of guilt,as I am sure most who experience this type of loss do. I am a surviving father and husband of two suicides in my family. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. Family members disagree about how they want to acknowledge the death publicly. Every funeral I go to or hear about I flash back to Marys , my wife , in 1998. Im totally feeling your pain after my beautiful wife gased herself in the family car leaving behind our little 9 year old daughter and a 27 year old , 15 and 13 year old . Then go to reddit and see how people re saying they committed suicide. Then there was a motor vehicle accident that cause chronic pain-the trifecta! One morning he woke up and started drinking heavily. Do NOT be ashamed to have that need or to advocate for yourself. I detected no problems whatsoever. I tried so hard to look after him and protect him. My support network has diminished since her death. Yes, its like people are afraid that they will catch something if you share the dastardly news. Im sorry.. I can assure you that silence hurts. Now, its been 5 months and Im starting to get my positivity back with various drops of grief which I am learning to live with. But for all I know he could of had plans to kill me then himself. The relief I thought I would feel has not yet come. , Isabelle Siegel February 9, 2021 at 9:16 am Reply. He didnt call me. It was almost Christmas. I have so many whys so many things I need answers to. Thank you. She never really had a father figure. She hadnt seen him since they left her house. I lost my partner of 25 years to suicide in November 2014. I have no one in my family or friends who truly understands what Im going through . Im a happy person but this scene comes and goes in waves and makes me so depresses. Tami January 24, 2021 at 11:06 pm Reply. I found my hero, on the floor of the garage, with a pistol. Hard. Hers were abusive and left her with major depression and anxiety. jamie satori December 10, 2018 at 8:08 pm Reply. I find myself wanting, in some way to forget he was part of my life. He always made everyone around him happy, cracked a joke or put people before himself. Melinda January 23, 2019 at 5:44 pm Reply. I love him and I think about him from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed as well. the night he killed himself he told me how happy he was he had never been this happy in his lifehe had the best kids in the world, his 2 and my 2, he had the best parents, the best siblings and the best girlfriend in the world. My brother hanged himself in May this year. This happened over 10 years ago but Im still not.. ok. Anonymous September 3, 2021 at 7:48 am Reply. I hear she did it alot. The only thing I noticed was that he became depressed during the lockdown and was imagining being followed when he took me to hospital, hidden messages in whatsapp texts and newspapers and he became suspicious of everyone. I had already been seeing a counselor and I have an appointment with her today and Im going to have to tell her what happened.. He somehow convinced me that I should want to help him with his chores or eat the food he didnt like for dinner so he could be excused. I felt so guilty that I wanted to kill myself immediately, but I didnt want to inflict on my elderly parents the agony that I felt. But that is my side of the story. My sincerest advice, seek out a good grief therapist if you have not already. My Dad committed suicide on March 5th, 2022. My granddaughter keeps me alive now. He didnt live any note and he didnt say anything to me. Arce February 28, 2023 at 12:59 am Reply. Real darkness. but thats how powerful (it) is!!! I cant help but think how did this happen to MY family? It runs rampant here in the US and across the globe. It started a few days before he died actually. Kathleen December 8, 2019 at 5:22 am Reply, Hey Sarah.